From awareness to intelligence to zombiehood…
I am tackling a truly challenging topic. Emotional intelligence. Now … Assuming I have even a pedestrian understanding of what that is…
Assuming that I do have some ordinary, lay, understanding of what emotional intelligence is, it is a topic I have been looking forward to getting into. To be entirely forthcoming, likely to take a hopefully intellectual wrecking ball to it. And then offer genuine, real-world, actionable thoughts.
Among the fifteen or so expert talks, podcasts and interviews I have done in the past couple weeks, I think this “expert talk” is as challenging as it is elegant as it is visceral and as intellectual.
Albeit it might be a rather large load of pseudo-psych manure!
Ouch!!! You say. Right. Certainly, I think it is a big ouch.
With that on your and my imaginary teleprompter, I aim to forge ahead courageously and mightily to agree, harshly disagree, adapt, repudiate, chide, champion, reject … all I have read and heard from too many talking heads about emotional intelligence. Best I stop this not yet exhaustive list before I run out of synonyms and antonyms and give myself intellectual whiplash!
OK. No so fast my faithful listeners. You KNOW that more lists are coming, as we get into definitions and all manner of formulaic telling much about emotional intelligence. Indulge me here: may I just call this EI? Thanks. No big deal wanting to coin that. I blew the whole AI thing, decades ago, when we were creating exactly ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE! I was not slick enough to give it such a great name, and the more recently in fashion awesome acronym. AI.
So, EI it will be.
I read that emotional intelligence is ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. How about that, you fine people! You need to confess to yourself (and to me): how many of you have said the following, multiple times, under many circumstances, to, well, too many people: I can barely manage my own emotions much less those of others. Right oh…
No problem, the talking heads, coaches, mentors, or the guy next door or at the gym or the lady across the aisle who absolutely know everything…
Do not despair. There are ways that YOU CAN IN FACT IMPROVE – however you define emotional intelligence. To be more accurate, after you accept whatever definitions I and other may firmly shove in your face.
Now … No righteous expert talk is worth its weight in – well, most of them it is little more than just tarnished pennies – without copious definitions of both terms and the substance of the talk.
As I am often compelled to do, while my mouth is forging ahead of my mind at turbo-speed, I must digress with what is a prophetically critical observation. Actually painful reality.
Some researchers suggest that emotional intelligence can be learned, cultivated, improved and more, while others claim it is an inborn characteristic.
Good luck with that. In other words, some of us are emotionally incorrigible from birth while others can be self-correcting and others are coachable. Now: get focused on the mainly VISCERAL nature of this matter. These behaviors are all much more visceral than intellectual. Thus, as to the coachable part, I always wonder and warn about the old adage: tigers do not change their stripes! To be intellectually honest, even tigers’ stripes dull with age…
Now… Do not despair if you BELIEVE or THINK you do not have the emotional skill set to change. At least to reasonably improve your emotional intelligence.
PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You need two things to make those changes. First, the unwavering desire (most of the time absolute need) to do so. And, two, the reasonable brain power to do so! If those two conditions are present, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY COACHABLE!
So there…
I spent a bit of time reading much about EI. From many, OK, I will confess, too many talking and writing heads, conventionally referred to as experts, consultants, coaches, and, again, the dude next door or at the gym or the lady across the aisle who absolutely knows everything… In the interest of full transparency, I did not REALLY read that much. Rather, superficially parsed. Hmmm. Is that a classic oxymoron?
Moving on… I quit most specific about EI written and spoken pieces rather quickly into them. Found just about all of them absolutely unoriginal! Same stuff, from different people. Over and over and over. Ad nauseum!
Did you know that term has been around and used by writers and talkers for nearly 400 years? Now we both know.
I would love to find the first thinker, writer, talker who authored all those terms and shallow concepts to begin with, giving so many who followed stuff to copy and at best regurgitate. How unoriginal?
Brought to mind a tenured professor at one of our finest universities with whom I shared a podium talking with a large group of seasoned business people. That fool went on for a half hour expounding on the CONCEPT of the sun rising in the East in the Western hemisphere. No kidding!
The good thing, well, the best thing, is that I did not beat him about the head thereafter. For a bit of immodesty, it was great to follow him! I would have been a hit even if I had talked about the efficacy of trimming the toenails of your pets or the mating habits of wallabies in the dead of winter in New Guinea. Rather than some other ordinary success in business precepts. Which is what I did talk about…
Back to the meat of this…
In addition to the reading boring me to tears, I found incredible amounts of circular definitions. You know, not much more elegant or relevant than, well, if you want to go to your left, you need to make a left turn.
I wondered: am I reading an immense and entirely – at best useless if not destructive body of “word salads” in the coaching, mentorship and faux leadership talking-head industry?
Perhaps not. Thus, I am endeavoring here to distill all that down to relevant definitions, concepts and do’s and don’ts therefrom. At least, I am going to make a yeoman’s effort to do that.
First, according to Daniel Goleman – I read he is a righteous mind-analyst and bender with lots of credentials – sure looks like and sounds like a PhD to me – emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. At least I think he wrote that… No matter.
He did write: “By teaching people to tune in to their emotions with intelligence and to expand their circles of caring, we can transform organizations from the inside out and make a positive difference in our world.”
Good God, Daniel. The sound you heard when I read that was my dead brain cells hitting the ground.
But he did offer good starting points to all this stuff. He listed HIS key elements of EI:
1. Self-awareness:
First, some EXPERTS want to teach you to recognize and be aware of your emotions and reactions, therefrom. Than improve upon those.
Then, actually some of those experts want you to identify and even NAME your emotions. Really!
You mean as when I got very upset, went way off the reservation angry with a Pakistani business associate who made an excellent effort to steal a million dollars from one of our businesses, then stated his wish to drown me in a table-spoon of camel spit, I should have taken a deep breath, recognized – for real – his attempt at that little piece of fraud, then give it a name. Perhaps something like Ralph? And with that, shape my emotional state of being.
Nahh.. Rather we put his multi-million-dollar business – out of business. I confess to that not mitigating my emotional intelligence. Rather, re-focused my anger onto myself and my people for allowing us to get into that predicament.
Actually, it blows my mind. Again, quoting a BIIIIG TIME expert: “Identify and name your emotions. Once you are better able to recognize what you are feeling, you can then work on managing these feelings and using them to navigate social situations.”
Sorry. I think that is insipid when interpreted as written.
One of my big issues with so much of this “soft to the core of one’s emotional being” stuff is that it can, no, most likely lead to operational paralysis. To be clear: if you go down the rabbit hole of “what am I feeling” and then “why am I feeling this”, you may become operationally paralyzed. I mean, stuck in inaction.
Quoting some more stuff that you will have shoved in your face:
If you’re self-aware, you understand your emotions and their triggers. I mean your responses to your emotional states of mind and more importantly, when those go off the rails of, well, “this is not good for you!” You also know how your emotions and actions affect those around you.
– Well, that may be motherhood and apple pie – a fantastic Americanism – for that expert. But Not for most of us. Waaay — sorry for this — self-aware for the rest of us.
– What exactly do I do with this? How do I gauge my self-awareness, if I actually know what that is? And how do I become appropriately self-aware for my benefit and to others around me?
Best I am going to offer here is: get yourself into “rooms” with successful people! Rooms for real or virtual. Even, the old-fashioned ways: can you imagine by telephone or coffee shop sit downs?
I do not mean with shrinks or phycologists. Your goal is to be MORE SUCCESSFUL IN YOUR PERSONAL AND BUSINESS LIFE. Not to put other people’s children through private schools!
So… Really successful people, often, but not all the time, are passably self-aware. They know who and what they are. Some even what they represent.
Back to people who can and should be really influential and ABSOLUTELY ALTER your self-awareness for the better! Find those people! Ask for their knowledge, experience AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY THEIR wisdom therefrom! You will be shocked how willing the best of the best, the top people around are willing to share! The quid pro quo from you is often nothing more than sincere thanks. For much more on that, listen to my talk on PILLARS OF SUCCESS (posted as a podcast also as an essay here).
Now. Hear this loud and clear: toughen up!
If you know you are upsetting people or situations around you, all or any situations including business and personal, associated with whatever you are into OR ENCOUNTER IN ANY AWY, ASK the offended WHY! Trust that they will be more than glad to dish out some punishment. That is a good thing: your opportunity to learn and improve. Become more self-aware.
And how about those who dish out lessons or punishment? Here is a great and very useful thing you must learn: they will feel proud to have taught you a lesson. Right. But: you benefited more! AND, the big kahuna, they will welcome you coming back for more!
That is what the ordinary scribes call a win-win.
And now the ever-present HOWEVER: beware of the SELF-IMPORTANT talking heads who lack the humility to relate to you! They should pay YOU for the workout they are going to get.
#2: Self-regulation
Kinda quoting again, this is the ability to control your emotions and impulses. It also involves adapting to changing circumstances.
On this cream puff of a topic, I am inclined to be redundant with stuff I talked about before.
Suffice it to say that controlling ones’ emotions and impulses is a MASSIVE concept and even bigger UNDERTAKING. One that requires lifetimes of effort for most us.
When we talk next, I hope that we do in a more intimate setting – perhaps in a live environment – an online seminar, speech or advisory session – we can talk about some mechanisms I have developed to control emotions and impulses when engaged in various direct encounters. Like group meetings, negotiations and the big Kahuna, leadership. Humbly, those are ENORMOUSLY POWERFULL. Among those the art and practice of developing your convenient alter-ego….
Those have been used by some who were willing and able to learn, WITH AMAZING BENEFITS! In the meantime, I encourage you to read up on my expert talk on LEADERSHIP HOMOGENIZED (a podcast and an essay posted here). Also apropos of this massive topic and more, check out my expert talks THE SUCCESS DECISION-MAKING SAUSAGE, ART THE JANITOR – that on leveraging competencies: yours, your business’ and your people’s, and NOTHING HAPPENS UNTIL YOU SELL SOMETHING. Among others. All posted as podcasts, interviews and essays here.
3. Motivation: This is the ability to use your emotions to achieve your goals.
Now, rather than erudite lecturing or whatever else, I am going to blow a minor gasket.
Surely you jest, my most observant and embarrassingly smarter than me wife would say.
Emotions driving my motivation? How about emotions that do not drive motivation! Unless you are intellectually and or emotionally inert, meaning, you feel nothing or little, you are just in the flow of things – life and business – content for all you do to be mediocre, you are OK with rushing head-first into obscurity, all your emotions are motivation drivers. Lots on that in the aforementioned other talks…
Now for the mind-bending truth! One way or another, you will figure out some of and some about your emotions. Hope and pray that in the absurdly troubling journey – THAT emotional journey – you will find those emotions that are abject handicaps! To you! In all important aspects of your life. When you do, figure out who your first email or telephone call will be to! If you do, and do that wisely – sorry, you are listening to me!! – you will begin your emotional mending trip.
And all the GOOD STUFF that follows that!
Good friend and frequent collaborator of mine, Nathaniel Schooler, in one of his expert talks, went on some about the need to practice active listening. Now, there is a must. What the hell do those elegant couple words mean? Let me boil that down to my understanding: listen intently – to the right people (my contribution to his thoughts) – absorb all that and not do what 90% of the people do: work on interrupting with rebuttals, thoughts, objections and often poor wisdom.
So there. How is that for simplicity within a big concept?
4. Empathy: This is the ability to understand the emotions of others.
Let me share a concept from my expert talk, NOTHING HAPPENS UNTIL YOU SELL SOMETHING. Just a comment here: if you do not listen to that one, your loss! Big loss! That is a topic I am asked to talk about, well, humbly, by publishers of the biggest and most relevant publications out there. And a truckload of clients who ask for my advice on, well, a lot of things. Some of those names you will know! Might even work for one…
Here it goes: What is the most dangerous thing about an automobile? Thousands of pounds of screaming metal flying down the road? Hundreds of mindless horsepower, brakes or tires that may break? Bad roads or weather? No. No. No. It is the nut behind the wheel! To deal with that nut, to avoid a catastrophic collision, you must know his needs, wants, and state of mind – to the best of your ability to determine.
In context, you will get that if you ask enough questions and listen to responses and everything else that nut may volunteer.
Back to the meat of this, you need to understand – no, LEARN – the emotions of others. However, sorry my fellow scribes and experts, not possible without the ever-present Manning imperative: how much homework must you do? However much you do, it will be insufficient.
And, you are not likely to ever become a quality shrink or mind-reader in the process. But: have to GET all you can about and from the nut behind the wheel. And deal with him accordingly.
By the way, in my book, the nut is a person or people or situations or any other engagement with whatever that challenges you emotionally. Whatever that is.
#5. Social skills: This is the ability to communicate effectively with others, resolve conflicts, and build relationships.
Seriously? Next the experts will tell us that the sun will rise in the East in the western hemisphere. No thank you.
If you happen to be driving while listening to this, please fasten your seatbelt tightly.
Here are some EXAMPLES OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE I grabbed from here, there, everywhere.
An ability to identify and describe what people are feeling
An awareness of personal strengths and limitations
Self-confidence and self-acceptance
The ability to let go of mistakes
An ability to accept and embrace change
A strong sense of curiosity, particularly about other people
Feelings of empathy and concern for others
Showing sensitivity to the feelings of other people
Having difficult conversations without hurting others’ feelings
Managing your emotions when feeling stressed or overwhelmed
Improving relationships with others
Resolving conflict
Coaching and motivating others
Creating a collaborative environment
Phew….
Whatever all those are, well I will give you my assessment in a minute, I hope they do not cause you at best a headache, at worst severe pains in your neck from shaking your head.
Impacting all thoughts and concepts I related to you – all those from others, not my own critique or take on them – there are dysphorias of all kinds, intellectual fluidity leading to situational ethics, religions vs. belief systems and many more haughty concepts.
I have to stop with those.
I must mind my own emotional intelligence. Interpret that as I am approaching intellectual paralysis, leading to having to mind my severe nausea having regurgitated that list.
©2025. Steven J. Manning. All rights reserved worldwide. Any reproduction, in part or whole, storage in a retrieval system or transmission in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning or other – except for brief quotations in reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher are strictly prohibited. For media inquiries: sjmanning@fymc.com.